Starting to Worry....

I haven't heard from Hailey since Friday night.  It's Sunday afternoon (Father's Day), my text's go unanswered (her phone is probably dead) and it's beginning to weigh heavily on me.  After she saw her psych last week I asked her to stay home for awhile.  She agreed she would, but that only lasted a day.  The next day she was very irritable and wanted to leave.  I know better that to try to convince her to stick around, so I just asked her to stay in touch and to stay safe.  She came home again on Thursday, but by Friday afternoon (I was an hour away taking a final) she was gone again.  The last text I received from her let me know that she was out of smokes and was walking into town to bum cigarettes from someone at a local bar - bad combo!  I messaged her back and told her I could pick her up in town in about a half hour, she told me to not worry...that was the last I heard.
Hubby had a long talk with her psych too.  He said it's time to start playing hardball with Hales.  He said, "Yes, she does have BP, but a lot of her behavior is learned.  Plenty of people function well with BP.  They have jobs and relationships that are virtually normal, it's when they have a flare that you notice they are sick.  Hailey is bipolar, but she also has no drive to get better".  I've always maintained that Hailey needed to "buy into" her diagnosis.  It doesn't need to "define" her (on the contrary, I'd be unhappy if she became one of those people who make their disease a calling card) but she does need to actively engage in her treatment and seek health.  Hailey has no desire to change.  Sad...but true.  She gets what she needs in a parasitic fashion and is happy living at that level.  Happy is probably not the right word to use...Hailey just survives.  She has nothing in her live that drives her, no passions (except her art, which comes and goes) and nothing to "live" for .  Maybe this is why she goes from place to place, situation to situation and always ends up using again?
I wish I could say there was a way to motivate my daughter.  I wish I could take a "hard line" and "force" her to get better, to do everything I know is necessary to become healthy.  But the fact of the matter is, you can never force someone to change.  Real change has to be voluntary or else it's phony.  I'm not willing to use any precious effort of pressuring someone who doesn't really want what I want.
So where does this leave us?
Where we always are...waiting.  Waiting for the knock on the door, waiting for her to return cycling or psychotic, waiting for...the unknown.  Which is the hardest thing to wait for.  I've been fighting the "worst case scenario" thought for so many years now.  I struggle the most late at night when I'm trying to sleep.  My vivid imagination gets going and I can almost hear the knock on the door, see the officers standing on the porch, feel the blood drain from my face, knowing that, after all these years, it's finally happened...she's gone, for good.  In my humble experience, I know that this is unlikely.  BP'ers have an uncanny knack of keeping themselves alive.  They are charming intelligent people who are generally liked by those around them (those who don't have to pick up the pieces!)  For this reason alone, I know I shouldn't worry...good luck with that.
Hopefully she'll call soon...

Life has been way too complicated to blog, yet that's what I should have been doing.  After months of progress Hailey has hit a bump.  She's been very med compliant, gone to all of her doctors appointments, addressed the legal problems that were looming (she did spend one night in jail on an outstanding warrant in February) and then Spring came.  If you're familiar with BP you know that changes in weather can mean a change in mood.  Hailey was able to put some pieces together and realize that she's always, "gotten arrested or taken off" during May or June.  About a month ago we started to see some problems with sleeping (BP'ers really need a solid 8 hours of sleep or trouble is brewing!).  Instead of addressing the problem with her psych, she took off to a friends house...and stayed.  So, for quite a few weeks now her med compliance has been iffy, sleep has been non-existent and she's started drinking...heavily.  Normally I'd be drowning in worry, but there's been one huge plus, she's kept in touch.  The pattern is, usually, that she goes off the skids and we don't see or hear from her in months - until things get so horrible that she's in danger.  This time she's talking!  Huge Progress!  When she's not with us she texts or Facebooks me regularly.  It's such a difference to be fearful and know where she is and to be terrified because I know she's in trouble, but don't know where she is or how to get to her. 
So now we have a plan.  We contacted her psych and counselor today and they both agree that fast action is needed.  Luckily she had a psych appointment today and came away with a script for a sleeping pill and an order for drug levels to be drawn - the proof is in the trough level!  We'll see if we can't get her some sleep and find out if she's been taking the meds with any regularity.  Another huge plus is the fact that she's on probation.  Normally, any experience we've had with the justice system has been horribly negative.  Our system does NOT know how to deal with the mentally ill.  The usual punishment/fine/jail time doesn't work when you're dealing with a person that DOES NOT learn from their mistakes.  The whole problem with BP is impulsive behavior.  When you're compelled to do something, and because of faulty brain chemistry, don't understand (at least while you're in the moment) that your actions will cause great harm, how will throwing a fine at you, or placing you in jail teach you anything?  Our courts need to use different methods for dealing with people who have an MI and that change needs to start with empathy...ok, off my soapbox!  So, this time we're using the court to get what we want.  Because she technically breaks her probation if she doesn't comply with her care plan, we're employing the carrot and stick.  Go to your doctor/counselor appointments and life is fine, blow them off and stop taking meds and out comes the stick.  The nice part is that it's out of our hands.  The court will kick in and bring the stick out!  For once, we're not the bad guys. 
All in all, Hailey is becoming more aware.  I never though I'd be typing that back in September!